Hanging On

Snapshots of Life

My late father was an avid photographer. He always insisted on family photos when ever we would get together for family occasions. He had a particular passion for photographing nature. 

I have inherited his passion for photography and this was something that, following October 7th 2023, I was no longer able to do as the entirety of my  photographic equipment was destroyed. I did, however, utilize my phone in order to take photos but in no way was this even close to the level of photography which I become accustomed to.

I made do with what I had and I understood that this is how things were going to be for the foreseeable future at least.

“What Maketh a Man”

Following October 7th 2023, the realization that I was at ground zero slowly began to sink in. My family and I had survived a catastrophic event on a scale the world had never seen before. We were all in a state of severe shock and a trauma so deep that it would take considerable work to get though it.

I am a husband, I am a father, I am a brother and I am a son. I have my place in the world regardless of places and possessions. This is who I am both before and after October 7th 2023. I have never thought of myself this way before. My spirit and life force endured the hell that we were lucky to survive.

Throughout my life I have experienced many things. I have always views life through philosophical eyes. This wisdom has given me the support I needed to deal with the present, reflect on the past and dare to look into the future. I was looking into the unknown without knowing which way to go.

Emotions Run Deep

We all have bad days where something happened to upset you and you carry this feeling and it casts a shadow on all you do from that point onwards. I have always been able to keep my emotions in check. Life has taught me to feel, to acknowledge and to embrace my emotional being.

The events of October 7th 2023 caused me to experience, over and over again, waves of emotion to equal, and surpass, the greatest tsunamis to have ever flooded the earth. When I think I can cry no more, the tears begin again.

My grief is heavy, my sadness is great and the days of mourning are long. Writing helps me to express my experiences thus far. I strive to get back to that place where I feel safe, comfortable and at home.

All that I have lost and that cannot be replaced is gone forever. That “forever" is none negotiable however desperately I wished it otherwise. All that can be replaced plays a valiant substitute for that which cannot. It is those things that cannot be replaced that hurts the most. It is a pain so deep that just writing this is causing me to well up.

Me and Cats

Cats have always formed a part of my life. We had cats when I was growing up I don’t think there was ever a time when I didn’t have a cat by my side. I have a connection to cats that runs deep within my veins. 

Cats have played many roles in my life. The brought me great comfort when times were difficult and great joy when times were bright. In a sense, cats were my main source of therapy and it is this closeness to my feline friends that I miss the most.

I treated our cats like members of our family. My house was their house (or was it the other way round) and they were always there when I needed them.

On October 7th 2023 I didn’t see Spee and Kittie. Spee was a 13 years old long-haired rag doll creme brûlée female and Kittie was a young black man cat of 3 years. They had their own key to the house, they had chips which opened their cat-flap. They could come and go as they pleased. Spee never ventured far but Kittie would often disappear to days causing us, me, great worry.

We had another cat called Moon who rarely would venture into the house. He was truly wild and lived in the jojoba plantation. Moon used to be a house cat but his wild instincts kicked in at an early age and he left home. He would visit occasionally when food was scarce and would receive whatever he wanted.

I don’t know what became of our little furry friends. I don’t think Spee survived because her goto place in times of fear was usually under our bed. Kittie on the other hand was young and strong and stood the better chance to survive. There are a couple of black cats living in Beeri but I cannot be sure if one of them is Kittie. Moon is another unknown. I hope he is ok.

If Kittie survived then when I am able to give him a home? Until that day comes, I pray that he survives, because that is all I can do right now.

Letting the Sadness In

I have struggled with this ever since October 7th 2023. I never thought I could cry so much about the same things over and over again. I have so very much to be sad about and that will never change.

Some days, well most days actually, I feel sad. I keep busy so as not to get swept away by the grief. Some days however the grief takes a hold and doesn’t let go. On days like that I welcome the sadness in and embrace it as a sign of how much love I gave out to all that was part of my life.

It had become a daily ritual to get up and stick myself together and face a new day. No day is the same and some days I fall apart more easily than other. Strength and weakness come and go in waves and riding those waves has become the biggest challenge of daily life.

Meyrav and I keep each other afloat. We are well attuned to each other emotional states. We often cry together mourning all that has been taken away from us. I am alive, we survived and we will live again. As the future unfolds we do all we can to ensure the time ahead is lived and appreciated to the full.